An Afghan Girl

I recollect the moment when Sofia said with such tenacity and subtle in her voice “We are the Delhi chicks. The beauty and the brain.” It reminded me of the period when I as a child used to play an offbeat hide-n-seek game with education when my father who was already half dead sent me distant for my studies.

Girls here in Delhi have so much remark in them that makes me feel so low making it laborious to make an eye contact with them. I was in Delhi to attend my friend’s marriage: a true big fat Indian wedding. Every girl was in a blazing colour lehnga-choli and streaming party gowns where I was sensing it very suitable with my salwar suit apparently seeking no skin. This was the dissimilarity. But, amid the enjoyment and the majestic occasion of the wedding I was overwhelmed by the thoughts of empowerment of women. How in Delhi women are so empowered unalike to my place? This question has been nibbling my spirit to the nucleus by seeing all the women here bopping and singing.

The next day I had Air India flight to catch back to my place at morning 11. I packed my valise and changed my attire to a long sleeved, dark blue dress on top of my white patyala suit with a matching hijab and agnate coloured slippers. This was all the fashion we used to follow.

I landed Kabul and in no time took a bus to my village, Surobi which was 80 kilometres away from the international airport. I could sense the unforeseen suffocation in the air. The colour of the city was now visible as dull brown where Delhi was bright in white. I could see the fear of risk and threat among the faces of the people here in Kabul unlike Delhi, which is incredibly constant motion. I could not point a single women roaming around the street distinct, where Delhi is known for its feminine element.

The bus abruptly stopped at a T-junction with a jerk, “you have to walk from here” the conductor said in dismissive manner counseling with his hands. I took my airbag and my purse and started walking towards my residence. The streets were bare and tedious as ever, small immature flora grown on one side of the road. I got an uncanny gaze by two pasthun men wearing long black kurta and holding their Ak-47 and talking something in heavy pashto dialect. I reached the end of the dusty lane to enter into my adobe; it’s a two story structure with small garden at the front. I noticed the new grey metallic gate I have told mother to fix for superfluous safekeeping. If one looks today no one can envisage how this very house was the pride of our small colony but after the invasion of the Russians and coup by non state actors everything has changed. Life has turned harsh where meeting the regular needs has become difficult as result become intricate to keep the house in a brimming state.

I walked up to the door and knocked it thrice to which my 8 year old kid- Hassan came running yelling at his highest pitch “Ammee jaan.. Ammee jaan...” he jumped on my lap instantly and started playing with my hijjab making some chirpy noises within him. My eyes were constantly searching for my mother who came up with entire bowl of saffron kheer especially for me. After the death of my father all we had is this property and the two farms on the country side which my mumma and I regulate. My petite family holds each other firmly and we used to stay on pleased with each other’s cheerfulness.

At night, I was writing my personal diary about what all I learned from the democratic India and how I felt low in front of those girls even though I had same qualification as them. And sooner I realized it was not only education but freedom that gave them the poise and courage.

“We realize the importance of our voices when we are at silence.” I read it in a novel- I am Malala and I realized the thing between the noise and sound during the weeding.  A single pen and a single teacher can make a change so, I decided to teach the girls of my village to understand what’s right and wrong and various other aspects of life so that a fresh wave can be created paving a way for the future generations to live a life where they are free to follow their beliefs.

I started my idea by planning what will be the course and how it will be planned throughout the year. Along with my regular households stuff I used to streamline my efforts for making this idea a successful. After the course evaluation which was mainly based on house related jobs and daily basis logical aspect, came the admission.

The job made seems real easy to what I thought was going to be. In the period of a month I started the classes in my own house for teaching girls by the name of “fateth mudrisa”  (school for girls). Looking that gracious smile everyday while teaching was the only fees I was contended with. From the day itself I had a chaotic procedure of handling to my house in the morning and teaching girls in the evening.

A day after, I was standing in my balcony and looking at the beauty of the mountains presenting firm and steady for centuries and thinking will I be able to stand the decision to provide education to the little girls? Contemplating the future of these little girls along with the future of my homeland enjoying a warm evening tea, I was feeling superior about my decision to bring a giant transformation by empowering the girls. But, through the side of my balcony I was able to oversee the dusty by-lanes of Kabul, clothes hanging on the strings and children playing with their makeshift football with American soldiers.

Being in such confusion I closed my eyes allowing myself to take free fall into my own world and fly like an illustrious eagle ready to prey on symbols of injustice and oppression. As soon as I finished my evening tea, I realized it was time to prepare for the evening prayer to gratitude for god’s mercy, forgiveness and for courage but, suddenly Hassan approached with his big watchful eyes looking directly towards me. He stood besides me and could not stop staring at me to which I asked him the problem. “Ammee, are they men dangerous?” he asked in a very low and scared tone.
Being a single parent is not an easy job with a surrounding where one can easily see men walking with their handy Ak-47 and enormous merciless killing of men, women and children over various issues which are considered trivial in enlightened part of this world. Also where was definitive change in the dialect and words he picks for girls and others, cuss words were becoming common from his innocent mouth common as the days progressed.

“No, bachha they are not. They are the safeguards. They will protect you from any problem you might face in your future.” I softly made him understand as I cupped his tiny soft face with my hands.

He smiled unwillingly and said “but, they stare very awfully.” I got scared, maybe he was right about the stare meant some harm or else this could be wrong as he is just a kid. I have over heard from people about the people against my teachings that could do worse for proving their integrity for their perception. Thousand of explanations started flowing in my mind like thousand of ping pong balls going in every direction of the room.

“Did they say anything to you? And if they ever do, come directly to me and ammee will punch them.” I said faking a smile to make him relax. By hearing this he smiled walked his way to the kitchen when I just sat on my bed thinking about what may happen in the coming days of my life.

The next very morning I was in a hurry, searching for my spectacles to read the headlines of the newspaper. I shouted for my mother and my son to search for the same but where was not any reply but I heard some giggling from the other side of the walls. I took off my slippers and made my way to the opposite room and found both of them hiding and laughing in their own world. By looking both of them I realized what all I have is them and they are most vital in my life as a needle to sew the clothes. I patted on their back and suddenly their smiles sways away and a stun came across their face. I was controlling my smile forcefully while Hassan stood up lowering his head down. I laughed continuously on his expression  “O baby, you are getting naughty day by day. What should I do? Tell me.” I questioned him holding his nose.

“Naah aami, not my fault. This was Dadi’s idea.” His eyes made its way to my mother and I smiled in acceptance.

“acha okay, I am off now, I have to work now.” I paused and looked for my specs. “So, I love you. And don’t disturb me for an hour” I said and left the room when Hassan and mother were fighting about whose fault it was.

Fighting and cuddling with Hassan was excessively cute to handle, the way his half-inch mouth opens and burst so many words within one breath was remarkable. His light brown eyes on his whitish complexion suited him perfectly. He was an angel to me handling my anxiety and making me comfortable with his polite words. After the death of his father, we both have been supporting, giving shoulders to each other. I know, sometimes he feels very lonely at home but due to these circumstances I have to exert so much to get his future on track but, he being so small understands all of this and helps me to work and achieve.  I remember when I was feeling ashamed of working so long but he explained what all my works meant to him, that made me cry. His sprightly voice is like a song to me I can hear for my whole day long. I wanted to be with him for the whole day but I was feeble.

I decided to give all the girls a lesson on how our nation was the highest seat of literature and science in the ancient times so that they can feel proud about their homeland and experience the essence of belongingness. I said loudly to them using the native language “Afghanistan was on the crossroads of the south East Asia and east Asia which connected two great empires in the ancient times”.

“SLAM!!” There was a loud bang of the door and with this Azmal khan, strong eccentric Pasthun along with his men, each of them carrying fully loaded AK-47s stood strongly in front of me. All the girls got frightened and shifted to the back side of the room. I was not able to recover what happened he screeched using his heavy Pashtu language “you will be lying on the crossroads naked if u tries to cross your limits. Listen to me and better you close this dim-witted piece of wood immediately.” I was standing straight glaring straight in his eyes.

“No, you listen.. aah” I protested. He held my hair so strongly cracking my neck and pulls me close to his face. I was screaming there for help but none of these harsh men could see and feel the pain I was going through. None of the ill-human being could feel what all I was doing was good for their future.

“You whore, I will show you what all I can do with you and your family. Obey the laws that are laid down.” He said slowly keeping his face an inch away from mine and pushed me away audaciously.

He turned around signaled all his men to move out of the room giving a dead-stare to all the girls. There was a sudden silence in the room just filled with the sobbing and weeping of innocent girls. I asked them to go to their homes safely and to come tomorrow.

I was a brawny and determined sort; I was very self-righteous about my plan to release a discipline for girls and at any. At night I couldn’t sleep but was thinking about every possibility doing for this situation. I know this was not just a situation for me but many people were related to me. My family and every girl coming to my school were at risk and I can’t let them be at a risk too all because of my good will to change this nation.

 “One personality is capable of making a difference” this sentence was going through and through my mind as I sat down on the wooden chair and scanned each and every corner of her class, photos of all the leaders of Afghanistan at the back of the class and of the monuments on other wall so that the girls connect to their land and make vow to serve the land. I cursed these self appointed allah ke bande for their foolishness and coarseness. But more I felt ashamed of myself by remaining silent which was not an ideal example.

“Be the change you want to see” said and written by Gandhi, bar now I know the power related to it. How difficult is to imbibe these lines in oneself and follow it when the time requires. I decided that next time I won’t allow my helplessness and insecurities to overcome courage. My father used to say when I was a kid that education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. For this hard time, I had to use education as my weapon to serve this country with the good philosophy.

For the whole next week my life was harsh as a fish living in a desert. I was exchanging outlandish looks in my neighborhood, my relatives and friends have started being rude to me and talking behind my back. All this have specified a warning about the school I have been running for girls. But I know all this was happening because of my opinion which is somewhat different from all of them. Now, with my personal life my societal life was also on stake.

But the second part of the problem arises when the girls of the school gradually decreased in their number due to fear. The number of girl has been diminishing from 28 to 3 in just three days period which even I want to help, though I can’t. I have gone to each girls home to make their parents understand about the situation and the benefits of all this but what all I get from them were accuses for the danger with maltreated abuses. After all this also my inner heart said to work more and continue what all I was doing for this, so I continued teaching the three girls. But every day, there was still a danger and threat about the Azmal khan coming and dominating his power upon us.

The next day I woke up late and got ready late. In the afternoon I, Hassan and mumma were having our brunch in our verandah with our favourite qabili palau and ginger tea. We three were sitting in a triangle facing towards each other sitting cross-legged while eating and chatting. Hassan was in between telling about his dream of last night which was about a fairy who took him to fairyland.

Instantaneously I heard someone’s step inside our house and within the moment in time five Talibani men stood around us with their grave guns. I was shocked to see them coming in this way after threaten all the girl’s family members. Mumma started crying in a minute started begging them to leave them.

Seeing mumma cry, I got a nerve, turned around to face him and shouted “Now what? What you want? I have told your chief that I won’t close this down. This is my life and I am doing for a good cause. Understood?” I pointed my index finger towards him.

He clutched my finger in whole of his palm and inclined it in the opposite direction which makes me cry aloud. Seeing this mumma and Hassan screamed for help and begged them to leave my finger and he did. I was looking straight in his eyes with such courage and dauntlessness but with his metal arms he was much more powerful we can ever be. He signaled something ambiguous to one of the army men with his palms and he acknowledged his head in acceptance. We didn’t know what he meant but then, unexpectedly one of them fires a gun shot in the air and all the men gripped three of us limbs, dragged and squashed us on to the main street.

A man came and pulled me with my locks and asked “do as Khan sahib said or else..”

“Or else what?” I stopped his statement and continued looking up with courage, “Han? You will kill me? KILL! KILL ME NOW. But I won’t let it go.” I ordered him with the sense of heroism trying sturdy to get my hair from his hands. He left off my hair and started walking barbarously like a villain and stood behind Hassan. He gave me an oddball smile with a canny look on his face. He gripped Hassan’s neck and pulled him up like a pulley. Hassan instantly started to cry aloud in pain. “Ammee save me, it is paining. Ammee Ammee.. Ahhhh… Ammmeee..” he cried aloud but I could not helped me as one of the soldier were holding my hands from behind. I was helpless. My own blood was in brutal pain all because of me still I could not do anything about his but see what was happening.

The Talibani men took out a rifle from his pocket. When I saw that rifle, I froze for a second. It probably wasn’t big but it was a gory rifle. He instantly pushed Hassan and he fell upon his lower back crying aloud. He pinpointed the gun at him and shot. The appalling burst chocked my head and before I could react to save my child the bullet was gone through his chest.

I got numb and could not react. Tears silently started flowing at their severe speed with my eyes wide open. I could not blink to see my own child to leave this world in front of me and in this way. The man released my hands and I fall on the ground with a thud. Paralyzed and abandoned I lay there on the road crying for my child. My whole body started to jitter with dread and abhorrence. A sudden wave of loneliness strikes my face telling me that I have been shunned by my own byplay. I tried to locate but could not gesticulate myself or assemble control over my body to stroll and go get my other half. I can’t. My spirit assent stability of courage and what remained was me partially dead seeing my family kaput and killed on the streets.

I got up and ran toward Hassan who was lying on the road in the midst of a hundred staring eyes, a thousand hands capable of saving him. But with each sob and each choke, a bit of him passed away, his breath going away slowly, eyes stopped blinking, the fingers stopped trembling. I looked at him, like a stargazer watching a midnight sky, silent and motionless. I dropped on my knees with a thud and as soon I could touch him, the man pulled me away from him.

One of them took his motionless body and threw him like a ball in their truck. I started running behind the truck for my boy, for my soul but they didn’t let me took a mother’s own child. I tried what all my body could do but all went in vain. I was left there devastated, detached, Forsaken.

Days went and month flew by nothing could be done. I tried all my contacts to get the body of my Hassan but all what I can was ineffective, no details of my boy I get. I never got a chance to touch my Hassan again not even for the funeral. I and mumma did all the ceremony without him as we left with no option. I used to stay all day in Hassan’s room and memorize him; else I could not do anything. After a year, mumma also left me without an explanation. She just stops breathing one morning and left me all alone in this cruel world.

After going through so much I was begging Allah to bring back my Hassan so that I could get a reason to live my life again with a hope. All day long I used to sit besides Allah and pray for Hassan, but at the end of my patience I decided not give pains to my health more but will search for Hassan’s body in afterlife. I decided to die. The day I made the choice of commending suicide I got a letter, which read:

Tehsina Khanam, Due to the heavy floods caused in the eastern part of the country, many dead bodies have been flown to the mountains area of northwest. We are trying to identify many bodies and contacting their family members. With regards of your complain of your lost child, we are sorry to say that we have found the body of Mr. Hassan Khanam. You may contact at 020 999 8888 should you require any explanation. Government of Afghanistan.

© Ayushi Sharma

It hurts!

Sometimes I miss you...
You know why I never fall in love?Yes, I never find “the guy.”
Yes, I like being single.
Yes, I don’t want the hassle.
But that’s NOT the reason why!
It’s not even true that I don’t fall in love…
I do.
Every day.
‘Cuz I’ve been in love… Since forever…
…with you.
The way you talk.
The way you make me laugh.
The way you show you care.
Makes me fall for you…
Over and over again!
So, the truth is – I’ve been in love since ages…
…and will keep loving you…
Not because I want to.
Not because I like to.
Not because you love me back.
…’cuz I know you don’t.
But because I’m helpless…
Every time I turn away.
Every time I wanna go.
Every time I think this is enough…
I hear you call my name…
…and I come rushing back to you…
It feels nice to be needed.
But then, there is a difference between NEEDED and USED.

You talk because you need to.
You make me laugh because you are bored otherwise.
You show you care because…
…I don’t know. Maybe you just like to lie.
And so, I’m in love… when I don’t wanna be.
I told you not to play with me.
I told you that, “I’m mad.”
I told you I would fall in love…
“Fine,” you’d said.
It was fine for you that I fall for you.
It is disaster for me that I fell in love.
…With You? Again?!?
‘Cuz you don’t love me back.
You never have.
You never will.
Still, sometimes I miss you…

It hurts!! Love hurts!!

Why Do You Have To Go??

I`ve got all systems go nothing standing in my way
I should be far down the road but I`m not
Something`s holding me back like a wild boar attack
and I`ve got you by my side but you`re not
Do you remember when we thought there was no end
a shooting star around the sky
Do you remember when you were from heaven sent
how far the wind could make me fly
Angels crying, when you`re far away from me
Always trying, I will make you see
Angels crying, when you`re far away from me
No denying, we were meant to be
I tumbled from the sky where I was soaring so high
Never thought that I could fall back down to the ground
Somewhere along the ride I found
that we can`t stop the tide
it is time for me to buy another round
Do you remember when we thought there was no end
a shooting star around the sky
Do you remember when you were from heaven sent
how far the wind could make me fly
Angels crying, when you`re far away from me
Always trying, I will make you see
Angels crying, when you`re far away from me
No denying, we were meant to be !!!

A letter to my Love

I thought I would let you know that my love for you is burning very brightly this afternoon. My heart longs for you. It longs to leap at the sound of your voice. I always filled with joy by your smile. My heart longs for my love, respect and adoration to flow to you as I gently kiss your hands. First time when I saw you beneath a tree in my college, it was like nothing at that time but days after days you became adorable to me.
At our first movie my heart longs to feel the passion as I caress your face, stare into your beautiful eyes and tenderly kiss you (in my world of fantasy).
I longs to see our love for one another grow as we sit on the couch and I rub your legs while we talk (though it is not possible ever). I really don’t knew how this happened to me but I m helpless to this. I feel calmed and comforted as I lovingly kiss and caress your bare arms. (Oh god white cheeks). now every night before I sleep (though I don’t sleep at night these days)I want for me to cup your face in my hands and draw you in for a tender, loving and passionate kiss. I feel the sensual passion and desire as we feed each other grapes. 
My heart expresses its desire as I tenderly and lovingly touch your lower backbit wants to experience the sensual passion between us. something about you, your face is like a cute doll (bas jab tak muh band rahta ha).whenever I see you I want to look deep inside your beautiful eyes for hours(but you always put your face away). 
I just want to take you in a strong breeze near a beautiful lake where I can hold you in my arms from back and politely n lovingly whisper in your ear “I LOVE YOU BABY"(shit m I gone mad, when I knew better it’s not possible in this era of my life).

Had to say many things but not possible. Just at last want to say my heart longs to feel the love and joy of us cuddling n snuggling close. I adore you my love with all the joy of my tender heart I LOVE YOU.

(I found this somewhere in my documents. dated- 17.10.2011. So, shared.) :)

It’s ALL about LOVE

We read books about love, listen about love, talk about love and even express love to our family or even non-family members.  But the real question arises that does we all know everything about this thing called ‘Love’?

I read somewhere that you discover more about love with getting yourself involve more into it. Experiencing more straightens in this love thing. Love is such a complicated thing which is full of love, passion, trust, misunderstanding, understandings and off course an opposite sex. This imperfectly-perfect thing creates a catch-22 spot around us. No matter how hard we try, but we will get attracted to it.

If we talk about these relationship, which we’ve all heard or even been into many a times which is actually real simple to catch what a situation is really like. Like, beginning of these relationships is always full with sweets and chocolates. It’s like a cute-humpty-dumpty- teenage- love with no complains and no demands. Couples are just satisfied by just only talking or sharing their stuffs with each other.  That’s the most adorable from of love without any grudges or scraps.

But as the time grows and both the sex gradually become more mature and understanding. The Girl especially, starts to take this relationship into a very serious one or she just try to break it off. Selection of the former one creates a huge blunder for the boy to understand what is she really thinking? She starts to think to fall in his real love. Love which actually states long- term true relationship. And on the otter hand, the boy just wants to extend the relation to get more worthy and mature for their age or he wants some other chick to check onto. Selecting the former one is when he wants to give time to their relation and to make that relation worth existing. Means he really is in love with her.

This misconception regarding the relation creates a misunderstanding among the two. The real-serious stuff what now the girl is feeling is far from what the guy’s perspective really is. She starts to expect more what he is really giving or providing her.

The misinterpreted thing creates a cob-web around both the lives. They want live together but due to some reasons they can’t. A time arises when the two breaks apart and world’s get destroyed. After many hard full tries they just can’t be together for more. The sudden burning of the stone creates a big imprint in their hearts. Imprint about not being together, not being a good human or a good passionate lover.

Some of them moves on in their life whether some just try o do the same. According to the statistics 67.2% women and 49.6% men can not move on after their break ups. And they even try to make themselves stable with the humanity. It’s not that they don’t try to be normal in living, but it’s just the failure over again which draws them down.

The confidence, personality, humor, talent is all smashed just by breaking of a relationship. Is loving someone truly can turn to be that bad?

The answer is NO, until and unless the opposite person loves you back in the same amount and way you do to them. You just have to wait for the one who will be that special for you to take your heart away.

Love is a most beautiful and divine thing. It can not be filch or purchase neither from anyone, nor can be given or granted to someone against our will.  Love is that feeling which can not expressed in words nor actions. Love is what you express and can make the other person feel. The more you will think about this thing called love, the more it will get complicated. That’s what I’ve learnt about Love, relationships, feeling, emotions till now.

Now, I had just stopped expecting things in my life. It’s better not to expect anything than to get disappointed. I know and believe that I’ll get and achieve what I really deserve in my life.

So, No complains. .  No demands. . And No offence. .

(Silence)

I cant believe that I am with you And someone like you is with me this has been the change way From the day you came

You make me feel like I can do anything You make me feel so wonderful.

Now that I am spellbound in your hands And you make it more good with the bands

I just gotta let you know, feels so right Being with you my heart gets so light.

Nights of passion, filled with moonlight Makes the moments with you so bright.

The more you express your love, its the more I need you it is special to me, That i have to keep you !

Love <3

A new Hope

“We will try tomorrow for your luck again. 10:45 exact. Okay?”
I remember to reach vaishalli metro station by this message at 10:45 to meet him. I have never been so much curious to meet a guy before but today I don’t know was different, so much different. I tried as hard I can to dress myself fast and reach at my destination. Managing my hairs and more to it, my heels I was again late by 10 minutes. I don’t know but I have this striking tendency to get late every fucking time when it is important to me and especially, when it about a guy. A smart one.I started wishing to meet him at the station still searching for him at the parking and then escalators and then before the lift, where we have to meet. But he wasn’t there and this made me felt appalling.
 So, I decided to wait for more 10 minutes and then will go on my way to my office. But no visibility was there and as decided I got in to my metro.While standing and playing temple run I got a message from him saying: “You were late by 10 mins.” I know I was late but how does he know? I was in a perplex situation. I started scanning the whole metro for him but he was nowhere. I have seen him many a times in my cab to college but still I doubt my mental condition if I could not recognize him. I didn’t have any idea about this message, maybe he must have seen me and texted or he is just playing around with me? I don’t know. I was hell confused.I texted him back that I was on time knowing that I was late. We chatted and he told me that he saw me waiting for him near the lift wearing aviators and decided to catch up at Yamuna Bank metro station. This was sharp. I made up my mind for meeting and chatting him for about ten whole minutes and will not disturb my office business. I waited for three minutes for his metro to reach and he arrived. He walked with a hop in his walk like a man- A gentleman. Very confident and calm in a blue-white chirpy crisped checked shirt and denims. 
Wearing his full framed sexy spectacles and with a hint of smile on his face, firstly searching for me and then reaching to me. “Tu late thi. Maine dekha tha.” He said very strongly. I mugged it up. I got the essence that he is a senior and I am the junior here and I do respect that a lot. He is two year elder than me and I have to deal with it. Gosh! Why is he elder to me? Shit.And we started chattering a lot about his school life to his college life, about his past and my past. His funny instances from calling him terrorist in school to his drunken-scenarios. We shared about everything we can share and boost about our life and our experiences. Without noticing the time and ignoring all possible calls I dropped my office that day without any reason. But, the reason was him. I can’t possibly help it and he made me drop my schedule. Actually, I was too involved in his talks that I didn’t want to go anywhere else. He was like a fevicol. This was new and special in a way to me. I never knew someone could talk so much in the first meeting possibly. I don’t know about him but I really enjoyed his company a lot. After two hours, he asked to go for Rajiv chowk than sitting idle here which actually made a sense.
We started roaming the cannaught place where ever it was possible chattering all the way like we have known each other from long. We chat as if we are best friends which were actually unusual for me as I usually take time to befriend someone. In our endless talks we decided to go for drinks. We drank beer and then vodka and then vodka which were enough for the day.With enjoying for about whole six hours together we have to part, part our ways to our home with the formalities of meeting each other the next day or the other. I was confused about him meeting me again. Like, why would he? He is intelligent and I am more of a dumb. He is smart and I am always lethargic to dress every time. He is senior to me and even ragged me while he was drunk and I obeyed his orders. He somewhere has this cute smile on his face and blabbers so much which cannot be understood by anyone and I just wanted to know what type of person is he? What he thinks? How he thinks? And everything. I wanted to know him, that’s all I knew.After the whole five days of talking to each other on facebook, we decided to meet up at MyBar obviously for drinks again. We sat in front of each other and started drinking with each one’s pace. After some of what, I started losing my senses and everything was a blur about what was going and happening in there with both of us. I remember sitting with him hand in hands with my unknown ability to what to do? I drank too much with my empty stomach that I can’t resists. My situation got mess and I was at my horrible condition I can be. Tough, he wasn’t so known to me and we talked from last seven days but he was responsible enough to take care of me and drop me home safely. I knew He is a Gentleman and He is. I didn’t remember any bit of what happened at the bar but hope I didn’t have done anything worse. He dropped me at my home and walked alone to his home to which I felt guilt later.I was sitting outside my main door waiting for my friend to come and take me to my room to avoid any mess in there. She was continuously shouting from past ten fucking minutes to which I softly replied “I think we smooched”. To which she slapped me so hard that I felt it in my hangover also. And then she started again with her lecture about limit and relationships and that I already have a boyfriend and what not! I made mental note of everything she said to me to think about all this later at night.I woke up at 1AM with my head banging from its every side, stomach aching to its best and hands and legs trembling with cold. I didn’t know what was wrong with me? I thought of calling him and telling about all this if is it natural or not but I controlled. I tried calming myself down and started shifting my thought to that kiss- which we have done maybe, or maybe not. I don’t know. I was confused meeting him the next day and asking him about what has happened?
 What if I have kissed him? I know if we have kissed, it will be only me to take this initiative. He must be shocked about this. I started scolding myself to this. And what if we have done more than a kiss? A smooch? Or more than it? Oh God. I didn’t remember anything. What a jerk am I!? Shit.I tried sleeping as we have to meet the next day but I can’t. I started framing my words when he will confess that we smooched or did more than it. I started making my mind to accept everything to what he will say. I stressed my memory a lot but cannot regain what happened at the bar. All sorts of questions banging my head and ‘what if’s’ take the charge. What if he is in anger? What if he will be meeting me for the last time? What if my friend is right about him not meeting me again? What if he didn’t appear tomorrow?
All these didn’t let me sleep the whole night. They were no less than the ghosts haunting me whole night. But, somewhere thinking about all this I slept looking forward to what will happen the next day.The next day we meet exchanging a strange look for a second but then everything went normal and I started to think that we haven’t kissed bingo! I was happy to it but while returning he asked in a serious tone “Don’t you remember any of it from yesterday?”
I got a hint from this tone of his that yes, something is wrong. I asked him frankly about what happened and he started explaining me with so much patience and calm. My eyes got glued to his eyes the way they move when he explains things so peacefully. His eyes were down with shame but very courageous to let everything out which was actually done by me, obviously.He told me that I came beside him and knotted his hands to mine holding them firmly. After this I made my way to his palms and tangled our fingers within each others. I even hugged him twice and kissed him on his neck. And when he was busy collecting things of what happened I lay my head on his chest and rested it over there murmuring in my own world. And in the next moment I made my way to his lips and kissed him. After a simple kiss, a more intimated kiss took place which was dominated by me and then smooches involving both of us. Not one but many.I knew all this would be my mistake as I can’t blame him for this. He was not the one to be blame. I know I am one who has this courage to do this shit. I felt ashamed and this was right. I did it wrong and this has to be the situation. He said he was ready for a slap today which was remarkably-funny. To what he explained with so cool and in so composed way I was happy that I am not with a wrong person. He is the right one. I started liking him to the way he does things. I started liking him as he is with me. Actually, I started liking him the way he is. He is special in his way. And I like him.After this day when everything sorted out and we both know this was my mistake and I don’t exaggerate things much, we decided to let things be the way it is. But after this day things got changed. We were not so formal with each other now and we don’t treat each other like friends. And moreover, there is no ‘FriendZone’ between us. 

We can’t miss a day without seeing each other. Actually, even I can’t miss a single day. The time I reach home, I start checking my facebook and hoping for him to be online. This is crazy, I know. But it is what it is. I am in love the way he is.You are so magical in your own way, in the way you do things, in the way you are. I feel so special and so wonderful to be with you from the morning scooty ride to the late night good night messages.He is different from other guys. He is confident about what he wants to do in his life whether it’s about his restaurant only. He is caring, helpful, kind, gentle and every synonym of these. He can so easily make me smile, laugh and have a great time all by himself. In short, he is a package that every girl wants. (Which I have now *Blush*) He is a package of happiness and fun knowing the limits of each and everything. Treating and solving everything with a hint of childness yet so mature. Planning with so much efforts and yet so beautiful. He is perfect in all his ways.Being with him I learn so much, I understand so much, I mug up so many things. I recollect your words in my mind so that I can pen them down when I reach home. Your extremely horrifying yet funniest dialogues which makes me go insane with laughter. When you are staring at me unexpectedly directly into my eyes telling me that they are so bright.  When you are holding my hand so softly and gently swaying your fingers all around them and commenting that they are like TT balls. When you are kissing me unexpectedly in the middle of the road making me scream about the environment. When you ask me to hold you from the back because you are exhausted (which actually is a very lame excuse). When you wants to have romance and thinks it’s cheap doing this between the streets. When you gaze at me while I dance on the song played inside the lift. When I gaze at you doing my acting. When you want to hold hand and try doing it some other way. When you start singing at the metro station so melodiously rotating your eyes at a right angle. And much more that even can’t recollect right now. 

Depression.

08^th July, 2013

I was depressed. Extremely depressed. I was depressed without any reason or with hundreds of reasons going through my mind. But, I was in more than what we call depression. I was in deep sea of thoughts swimming everywhere for some answers which were unexplained about me, about my past and about my future. Everything was going here and there in my mind.

My head started to pain and hands started aching. This been always a problem with my depression. The pain grew double in no time and I feel like snatching my hair apart. I wanted to stop this pain but was helpless. I wanted to go somewhere and shout at the top of my voice, but was helpless. I wanted to hug someone so tight and then cry but, still helpless. I wanted someone to sympathise me at this moment, but still helpless. I was helpless at every part. I started to feel as nobody. I am nobody for all and no one here is for me. It was depressing and for me this was prelude of death.

In every one to two month, this happens every time. I don’t want this to happen and why would I want this? But it does. Some situations made this and make me suffer each and every time. I don’t know why and why this happens. Something pierces inside my heart enormously hurting and painful. I stood up to call someone. “Anyone” I reminded myself. Someone who will listen and who will get what I fell right now.

“Nishat” my heart said. But heart objected it treating it would be of no use. He will understand but because he would not have any choice but just to listen, but here I need someone to just treat me as I am someone to him or to her. But here, he won’t express. He won’t express what he feels for me; I don’t know he does feel anything or not. But, he won’t tell me how important I am to him still; I don’t have any idea if I am important to him. I really didn’t have any idea what I am to him. This thought made my condition worse. More faultily than before thinking about what he is up to? And what is he trying to do with my life? Sometimes just saying “I love you” is never enough. May be because in this world many of us, in fact didn’t mean this word. Possible it is. But what is with me?

I have experienced someone saying you “I love you” for more than a year and also saying other five girls the same. I have experienced him to feel similar with every girl he flirts. I have experienced when he touches you and take someone else’s name. I have experienced when he compares you with what you were to him before. I have experienced when you were in love and he ditched you so apart that till now, you are unable to recollect your pieces of life.

But this was more than two years back and it still spoils me. Today, when I was talking to Hitesh about my past I examined that what I have been in this past two years. What changes have occurred in my within these past two years. This person Hitesh has influenced me today that to be on WhatsApp. For good or not for good, but he did. And, I appreciated this thing.

From past two years I have not achieved anything in my life as such. I have grown from a good girl to a bad one. I have changed my priorities all over. I have changed from a non-emotional person to the world. I try to be more practical than affecting in front of everyone. I try to be stronger so that I can’t highlight that sensitive part of my life. I have started spoiling myself. It’s not that I now have more of friends and forgot my family. No, it’s not. But now, I have been more practical in my life. I have been ditched to death so, now problems don’t seem to be very large to me. If I die at this moment, I won’t have any complains and regret to my life. I don’t do things to regret. I am satisfied. Satisfied with what I have done, what I am now, what I am doing.., and everything. I am fully satisfied.

Surrounding me all I can see is my room looking very solitary to me today. Biting me from everywhere and looking me in a very friendless way. Each corner of my room was telling me story of my past. It was like thousands of black ghost coming from every corner to attack me. I was depressed. And seeing all this made me more.

I switched off the tube light and went to my bed instantly to avoid everything. I lay on my bed covering all with my blanket so that I can get away from all this which was happening. I started shivering from head to toe and started to feel cool. I was totally in a dilemma about what is happening to me. I wanted all this to be stopped at this moment but was helpless. I tried calling Nishat but then, I didn’t. I never wanted to make him realise what my condition is. I just don’t want him to be sad about my part and moreover, when I know I will handle all this. I don’t want him to be burden. Never.

So, I started shifting my thoughts to more interesting things. The cartoon I like. The daily soap I watch. The actor I love and every sort of thing which can lighten my mood. But all went in vain. I have this extremely weird tendency to imagine everything. And I always try to imagine and transform my view from good to bad or vice versa. But, today everything was going in vein.

I was afraid of everything today and about everything. The interrogations of “What if’s” were popping out of my mind. What If I die? What If he returns and says ‘I love you’ again? What if I didn’t have good marks in my second semester? What face will I show to my parents? What If I fail in my life? What if I never been a good human being? What If I fail in this internship? What if Nishat leave me? What if he ditched me? And what If he never returns?

“Shut up” I shouted only to scare me up more. But, still I am a positive person and I will make it alright. Sometimes, there are times in which you can’t handle your emotions and even you don’t want to because you have tried so hard to make things straight. But, it was okay. I started calming down myself. “Its okay, it’s okay” I frequently saying to myself. I started taking deep breaths and eventually after two minutes I got normal but head was still aching.

I tried to sleep ignoring everything. But then my cell rings. It was Sona. We haven’t talked since four days because I was busy and seriously didn’t have any time. Before I could put the earpiece she started her pre-decided chatter. “I don’t know why I am doing this? And I don’t know if it’s right or wrong? But I want to share this to you. And you don’t have to say in between of it. Anything, don’t speak. Just listen. I don’t know why you do this? Like, is it every time me who is going to call you? I have so many problems but it doesn’t seem you care, aah, nobody cares. But it’s fine. I really didn’t care about anything...blah blah...” And she continued crying with what she said. Actually, what she was shouting and I knew it was nothing but her boyfriend problem.

She actually gets hyper with her boyfriend problem but it is not any way to treat me. I am not the culprit here. She is addicted to his boyfriend and if he doesn’t call her, what’s my problem. I don’t make him walk. He walks on his own. She blabbered around the whole fucking one minute and I just heard what she said. I didn’t care what all she said to me, it didn’t matter to me anyway but the way she spoke was bad. But I wasn’t worried about anything but, she was crying. And these weeps and cry make me cry. I controlled myself and started thinking about her problem. I can’t figure out what it would be. Else, I stopped thinking. I tried to get asleep.

I started imagining what if Nishat comes around and make me sleep at this moment. It would be magical. And by this thought a smile grows on my face. After 4 hours, I was smiling to the thought that he would come. And he would in a month or so. I started planning about a surprise when he will return. And suddenly my phone beeped again, I knew it would be Sona but no, it was him- Nishat.

I smiled to his message “dre?” and then our conversation started. But I was tensed at that time. But it won’t affect our talks in any way. We were in love. And we were talking after five days to which I was real angry but, I understand he was busy with the functions.

I: ya?
He: what’s up?
I: I am good. You say?
He: I am also well. Tu gussa mujhse?
I: No, I am not. Why?
He: hmm.. I love you
I: Love you too.

This only conversation could make my day worth living. But still, there was something pinching me that he would go, he would leave. I ignored this thought and tried making our conversation interesting and not showing that I am off today.

He: (laughs) (laughs) Now, I am free.
I: ya, earlier you were not.

I answered in a bit attitude and I regretted.

He: Hmm.. I love you.
I: I love you too.

He said this again and this made a difference. I loved when he use to say this again and again.

He: Do you miss me?

He asked and I got miserable. I miss him like anything, more than anything. But, I can’t explain this every time. He knows this and he should come back soon but he is playing now. But still, I miss him.

I: I do.
He: How much?
I: Very much.
He: that’s it?
I:  what? Do you?
He: don’t you know how much I do?
I: No, I don’t.
He: It’s okay. Leave then.

I got confused with his reply but maybe he was in something at his home. From past ten days, he is much busy with his family so he can’t take much time for me. So we used to talk for five minutes max in a day and I was happy to feel his attention towards me. I know, this is still less but then, it’s okay. I don’t mind.

I: You sure?
Replying after whole seven minutes.

He: yes. And, sorry for replying late. I am with my mom and dad. So, how are you?
I: You get free.
He: okay

And I started to worry. I don’t know why but I wanted to share everything what I went through just now. What all was in my head and everything. But showing him all this will mean that I am getting insecure which I should not be. After about half an hour he replied.

He: yes, now say? Reply baby?
I loved it when he used to call me baby. That makes go a chill behind my spine.

I: yea?
He: I know baby you are angry with me. I don’t spend time with you. I know it’s my fault.
I don’t know why but reading this make my heart sinks. I never wanted him to be affected anyhow. He is mine. He is my baby. I want him to be safe and happy every time.

I: Nah, it’s nothing like this. I am not angry.
I tried to calm him down and believe that I am not angry. Actually, I was. But it’s digestible. I can handle this.

He: So, are you upset with this? I know you are.
I was and he was right. But I can’t show up these things. Obviously it’s really hard to manage your full day without talking to your love. But that does not mean that I want to take a revenge and want him to be upset. I am not that bad.

I: No. It’s nothing like this.
He: Swear on me?
I: What’s there to swear? Tell me?
He: That means you are angry. Now I know.
I: No, I am not.
He: okay, say more? How are you?
I: I am awesome. You?
He: I also good.
I: good?
He: means Awesome. I am awesome.
I used to hate when he sounded depressed on these messages or on phone calls because I never wanted him to be sad. Never.

He: Sona messaged.
I: what?
He: “there?”
With this I started getting irritated. The day I talked to his boyfriend for their good life, she was the one who asked me to stop messaging his boyfriend. But today, of what she has done which does not make any sense to me but now this was height. Still, I didn’t know what she was going to talk to Nishat but still, if it’s about our quarrel. That would be bad.

I: then talk. But don’t you tell her that I am talking to you. Please.
He: but why?
I: just do as I say. I am sleeping now. You take care. Bye
my irritation got raised. I don’t know why she is doing all this. This thing was nothing to be spending your time off but, she is making this high. And because of all this, Nishat and I would end up fighting.

He: hey? What has happened?
I: nothing.
He: I know something has?
I: No. No. It’s nothing.
He: What is wrong? Tell me?
I: it’s seriously nothing.
He: Okay then. It’s okay. I am sleeping. Bye
I: Hey?
He: why are you behaving in such a way?
I: I don’t know Nishat. I am sorry.
He: It’s okay baby. I know it’s my fault.

My heart cracks when he says this. Yes, it was his fault. But I was okay with it. And today, it’s not him it was Sona and my banged head. But, I decided not to tell him. I somewhere believed that he would understand. But I think no. He wouldn’t.

He was blaming himself about my attitude towards him but this was not the case. I told him what I was feeling. Not the whole thing but half of it. I told him that I am losing interest. I am losing interest in my life. And this was true; I cannot make an aim of my life. It was like some part is empty on my world. Someone is missing. By telling this he got insecure about me. Anybody would be, started interrogating me all sorts of question from which he would be affected. But I wasn’t going to ditch him. I can’t ditch anyone in my life. I am too weak for it.

But, then the topic I was afraid took off between us- Sona. The lot I wanted to be far from this, the more she was coming on the way. She asked Nishat to apologise to me for her. Now this was the limit for me. I wasn’t angry to him but I was irritated of what she was up to. And with this we end up fighting, which certainly I knew. The case between Sona and I was not so big that she messaged Nishat and ask him to convey her messages.

I started crying to what happened and not because of Sona or Nishat. But for the relation I am trying to improve. But today she had made a mistake. She should not have gone too far for this silly fight, which was not actually a fight but a misunderstanding to which she got so hyper. And which affected my relation which was non-sense actually. That day had gone too far for me. So, I decided to leave everything and sleep, to which Nishat’s messaged beeped.

He: Do as you like; I am out of all this. You better not text me again.

This message was enough to make me cry aloud. And it did.

I: I should not text you again, right?
He: yes
I:  Just say this one more time.

I wanted write ‘take it as a warning’ but my conscious mind stopped me. But I waited him to message and this time I was serious, very serious. So, I decide in next two minutes if he says not to message him then I won’t ever disturb him.

And after four full minutes he messaged.

He: Don’t text me

This made me insane and tears started flowing in their highest speed. He even didn’t thought once about saying this to me. Then I decided not to message him today and will make him understand tomorrow what the thing was. I decided this and tried to sleep. I frequently checked for his message the whole night but no, he didn’t message.

I would not blame anyone for this. Or say, everyone should be blamed. Sona should be blamed for her impatience, stability, and firmness. Nishat for trusting me, being lovable and sometimes romance does help. And me for my rude behaviour.

But all what has happened, it would bring something good. Everything happens for a reason.

09^TH July, 2013

The next morning, I woke up from Sona’s call and I decided to ignore. She called again on my landline and I have to pick it up.

I: yeah?
She: How are you?
I: all good. Say?
She: I am sorry for yesterday.
I: it’s okay. It’s in your habit now.
She: I am sorry. Actually, Mohit didn’t pick up my call. So...

And she continued but today, I didn’t listen any of it. I was furious. I was irritated.

She: So, meet me today?
I: sure. I will tell you. But why you messaged Nishat? Is this was so important?
She: you blocked me on WhatsApp. So I just asked Nishat to take care of. He even called and I thought it’s my friend, he is really nice. That’s it.
I: okay.
She: just tell me at what time you will be free?
I: hmm..
She: Bye

And I banged the phone. And same it was I cried again. And this time it was Nishat. I knew for him friends are his first priorities and I even manage between them but what was yesterday?

Here I am losing interest in my life which I think sounded somewhat like a joke to him and when Sona stated about a fight, so he called her. To do what? Calm her? And here, I was waiting from about five days for his call. Just to talk to him for two minutes. Nishat can even call me to know what the matter is and No, he called her up. And did he have any idea about my condition? If even I am rude for some reason that means my condition is not good and I would have a reason for that. Why doesn’t he understand what I feel?

These things made me weak and even drive off my interest in a relationship. I do so much for him what all I can. But in return I need something, anything? Which make me feel that I am totally yours? But in this I am the one who is trying and just because of me this relation has gone this far.

I remember waiting every night till four for his call. I remember waiting at the end of a road for about three hours just to clear a misunderstanding. I remember when he doubted on my dignity but still I was passive. And I know anybody can do this all. But what about my emotions and feelings? What all I try to grab his attention every time and every night. What all I do in treating him with so much patience and serenity. What all I do to take care of him and everything?

But all this have gone waste. Now I have been losing hope in all what I tried, in all what I wanted to express, in all what I dreamt of. And everything I can’t explain either. It’s not that I didn’t love him but now it’s been a limit and I am lost here. And even hurt deeply. An exact reason is unknown but hundreds are there today I front of me eating me from every side.

Now the bridge has been broken and I am lost.