Depression.

08^th July, 2013

I was depressed. Extremely depressed. I was depressed without any reason or with hundreds of reasons going through my mind. But, I was in more than what we call depression. I was in deep sea of thoughts swimming everywhere for some answers which were unexplained about me, about my past and about my future. Everything was going here and there in my mind.

My head started to pain and hands started aching. This been always a problem with my depression. The pain grew double in no time and I feel like snatching my hair apart. I wanted to stop this pain but was helpless. I wanted to go somewhere and shout at the top of my voice, but was helpless. I wanted to hug someone so tight and then cry but, still helpless. I wanted someone to sympathise me at this moment, but still helpless. I was helpless at every part. I started to feel as nobody. I am nobody for all and no one here is for me. It was depressing and for me this was prelude of death.

In every one to two month, this happens every time. I don’t want this to happen and why would I want this? But it does. Some situations made this and make me suffer each and every time. I don’t know why and why this happens. Something pierces inside my heart enormously hurting and painful. I stood up to call someone. “Anyone” I reminded myself. Someone who will listen and who will get what I fell right now.

“Nishat” my heart said. But heart objected it treating it would be of no use. He will understand but because he would not have any choice but just to listen, but here I need someone to just treat me as I am someone to him or to her. But here, he won’t express. He won’t express what he feels for me; I don’t know he does feel anything or not. But, he won’t tell me how important I am to him still; I don’t have any idea if I am important to him. I really didn’t have any idea what I am to him. This thought made my condition worse. More faultily than before thinking about what he is up to? And what is he trying to do with my life? Sometimes just saying “I love you” is never enough. May be because in this world many of us, in fact didn’t mean this word. Possible it is. But what is with me?

I have experienced someone saying you “I love you” for more than a year and also saying other five girls the same. I have experienced him to feel similar with every girl he flirts. I have experienced when he touches you and take someone else’s name. I have experienced when he compares you with what you were to him before. I have experienced when you were in love and he ditched you so apart that till now, you are unable to recollect your pieces of life.

But this was more than two years back and it still spoils me. Today, when I was talking to Hitesh about my past I examined that what I have been in this past two years. What changes have occurred in my within these past two years. This person Hitesh has influenced me today that to be on WhatsApp. For good or not for good, but he did. And, I appreciated this thing.

From past two years I have not achieved anything in my life as such. I have grown from a good girl to a bad one. I have changed my priorities all over. I have changed from a non-emotional person to the world. I try to be more practical than affecting in front of everyone. I try to be stronger so that I can’t highlight that sensitive part of my life. I have started spoiling myself. It’s not that I now have more of friends and forgot my family. No, it’s not. But now, I have been more practical in my life. I have been ditched to death so, now problems don’t seem to be very large to me. If I die at this moment, I won’t have any complains and regret to my life. I don’t do things to regret. I am satisfied. Satisfied with what I have done, what I am now, what I am doing.., and everything. I am fully satisfied.

Surrounding me all I can see is my room looking very solitary to me today. Biting me from everywhere and looking me in a very friendless way. Each corner of my room was telling me story of my past. It was like thousands of black ghost coming from every corner to attack me. I was depressed. And seeing all this made me more.

I switched off the tube light and went to my bed instantly to avoid everything. I lay on my bed covering all with my blanket so that I can get away from all this which was happening. I started shivering from head to toe and started to feel cool. I was totally in a dilemma about what is happening to me. I wanted all this to be stopped at this moment but was helpless. I tried calling Nishat but then, I didn’t. I never wanted to make him realise what my condition is. I just don’t want him to be sad about my part and moreover, when I know I will handle all this. I don’t want him to be burden. Never.

So, I started shifting my thoughts to more interesting things. The cartoon I like. The daily soap I watch. The actor I love and every sort of thing which can lighten my mood. But all went in vain. I have this extremely weird tendency to imagine everything. And I always try to imagine and transform my view from good to bad or vice versa. But, today everything was going in vein.

I was afraid of everything today and about everything. The interrogations of “What if’s” were popping out of my mind. What If I die? What If he returns and says ‘I love you’ again? What if I didn’t have good marks in my second semester? What face will I show to my parents? What If I fail in my life? What if I never been a good human being? What If I fail in this internship? What if Nishat leave me? What if he ditched me? And what If he never returns?

“Shut up” I shouted only to scare me up more. But, still I am a positive person and I will make it alright. Sometimes, there are times in which you can’t handle your emotions and even you don’t want to because you have tried so hard to make things straight. But, it was okay. I started calming down myself. “Its okay, it’s okay” I frequently saying to myself. I started taking deep breaths and eventually after two minutes I got normal but head was still aching.

I tried to sleep ignoring everything. But then my cell rings. It was Sona. We haven’t talked since four days because I was busy and seriously didn’t have any time. Before I could put the earpiece she started her pre-decided chatter. “I don’t know why I am doing this? And I don’t know if it’s right or wrong? But I want to share this to you. And you don’t have to say in between of it. Anything, don’t speak. Just listen. I don’t know why you do this? Like, is it every time me who is going to call you? I have so many problems but it doesn’t seem you care, aah, nobody cares. But it’s fine. I really didn’t care about anything...blah blah...” And she continued crying with what she said. Actually, what she was shouting and I knew it was nothing but her boyfriend problem.

She actually gets hyper with her boyfriend problem but it is not any way to treat me. I am not the culprit here. She is addicted to his boyfriend and if he doesn’t call her, what’s my problem. I don’t make him walk. He walks on his own. She blabbered around the whole fucking one minute and I just heard what she said. I didn’t care what all she said to me, it didn’t matter to me anyway but the way she spoke was bad. But I wasn’t worried about anything but, she was crying. And these weeps and cry make me cry. I controlled myself and started thinking about her problem. I can’t figure out what it would be. Else, I stopped thinking. I tried to get asleep.

I started imagining what if Nishat comes around and make me sleep at this moment. It would be magical. And by this thought a smile grows on my face. After 4 hours, I was smiling to the thought that he would come. And he would in a month or so. I started planning about a surprise when he will return. And suddenly my phone beeped again, I knew it would be Sona but no, it was him- Nishat.

I smiled to his message “dre?” and then our conversation started. But I was tensed at that time. But it won’t affect our talks in any way. We were in love. And we were talking after five days to which I was real angry but, I understand he was busy with the functions.

I: ya?
He: what’s up?
I: I am good. You say?
He: I am also well. Tu gussa mujhse?
I: No, I am not. Why?
He: hmm.. I love you
I: Love you too.

This only conversation could make my day worth living. But still, there was something pinching me that he would go, he would leave. I ignored this thought and tried making our conversation interesting and not showing that I am off today.

He: (laughs) (laughs) Now, I am free.
I: ya, earlier you were not.

I answered in a bit attitude and I regretted.

He: Hmm.. I love you.
I: I love you too.

He said this again and this made a difference. I loved when he use to say this again and again.

He: Do you miss me?

He asked and I got miserable. I miss him like anything, more than anything. But, I can’t explain this every time. He knows this and he should come back soon but he is playing now. But still, I miss him.

I: I do.
He: How much?
I: Very much.
He: that’s it?
I:  what? Do you?
He: don’t you know how much I do?
I: No, I don’t.
He: It’s okay. Leave then.

I got confused with his reply but maybe he was in something at his home. From past ten days, he is much busy with his family so he can’t take much time for me. So we used to talk for five minutes max in a day and I was happy to feel his attention towards me. I know, this is still less but then, it’s okay. I don’t mind.

I: You sure?
Replying after whole seven minutes.

He: yes. And, sorry for replying late. I am with my mom and dad. So, how are you?
I: You get free.
He: okay

And I started to worry. I don’t know why but I wanted to share everything what I went through just now. What all was in my head and everything. But showing him all this will mean that I am getting insecure which I should not be. After about half an hour he replied.

He: yes, now say? Reply baby?
I loved it when he used to call me baby. That makes go a chill behind my spine.

I: yea?
He: I know baby you are angry with me. I don’t spend time with you. I know it’s my fault.
I don’t know why but reading this make my heart sinks. I never wanted him to be affected anyhow. He is mine. He is my baby. I want him to be safe and happy every time.

I: Nah, it’s nothing like this. I am not angry.
I tried to calm him down and believe that I am not angry. Actually, I was. But it’s digestible. I can handle this.

He: So, are you upset with this? I know you are.
I was and he was right. But I can’t show up these things. Obviously it’s really hard to manage your full day without talking to your love. But that does not mean that I want to take a revenge and want him to be upset. I am not that bad.

I: No. It’s nothing like this.
He: Swear on me?
I: What’s there to swear? Tell me?
He: That means you are angry. Now I know.
I: No, I am not.
He: okay, say more? How are you?
I: I am awesome. You?
He: I also good.
I: good?
He: means Awesome. I am awesome.
I used to hate when he sounded depressed on these messages or on phone calls because I never wanted him to be sad. Never.

He: Sona messaged.
I: what?
He: “there?”
With this I started getting irritated. The day I talked to his boyfriend for their good life, she was the one who asked me to stop messaging his boyfriend. But today, of what she has done which does not make any sense to me but now this was height. Still, I didn’t know what she was going to talk to Nishat but still, if it’s about our quarrel. That would be bad.

I: then talk. But don’t you tell her that I am talking to you. Please.
He: but why?
I: just do as I say. I am sleeping now. You take care. Bye
my irritation got raised. I don’t know why she is doing all this. This thing was nothing to be spending your time off but, she is making this high. And because of all this, Nishat and I would end up fighting.

He: hey? What has happened?
I: nothing.
He: I know something has?
I: No. No. It’s nothing.
He: What is wrong? Tell me?
I: it’s seriously nothing.
He: Okay then. It’s okay. I am sleeping. Bye
I: Hey?
He: why are you behaving in such a way?
I: I don’t know Nishat. I am sorry.
He: It’s okay baby. I know it’s my fault.

My heart cracks when he says this. Yes, it was his fault. But I was okay with it. And today, it’s not him it was Sona and my banged head. But, I decided not to tell him. I somewhere believed that he would understand. But I think no. He wouldn’t.

He was blaming himself about my attitude towards him but this was not the case. I told him what I was feeling. Not the whole thing but half of it. I told him that I am losing interest. I am losing interest in my life. And this was true; I cannot make an aim of my life. It was like some part is empty on my world. Someone is missing. By telling this he got insecure about me. Anybody would be, started interrogating me all sorts of question from which he would be affected. But I wasn’t going to ditch him. I can’t ditch anyone in my life. I am too weak for it.

But, then the topic I was afraid took off between us- Sona. The lot I wanted to be far from this, the more she was coming on the way. She asked Nishat to apologise to me for her. Now this was the limit for me. I wasn’t angry to him but I was irritated of what she was up to. And with this we end up fighting, which certainly I knew. The case between Sona and I was not so big that she messaged Nishat and ask him to convey her messages.

I started crying to what happened and not because of Sona or Nishat. But for the relation I am trying to improve. But today she had made a mistake. She should not have gone too far for this silly fight, which was not actually a fight but a misunderstanding to which she got so hyper. And which affected my relation which was non-sense actually. That day had gone too far for me. So, I decided to leave everything and sleep, to which Nishat’s messaged beeped.

He: Do as you like; I am out of all this. You better not text me again.

This message was enough to make me cry aloud. And it did.

I: I should not text you again, right?
He: yes
I:  Just say this one more time.

I wanted write ‘take it as a warning’ but my conscious mind stopped me. But I waited him to message and this time I was serious, very serious. So, I decide in next two minutes if he says not to message him then I won’t ever disturb him.

And after four full minutes he messaged.

He: Don’t text me

This made me insane and tears started flowing in their highest speed. He even didn’t thought once about saying this to me. Then I decided not to message him today and will make him understand tomorrow what the thing was. I decided this and tried to sleep. I frequently checked for his message the whole night but no, he didn’t message.

I would not blame anyone for this. Or say, everyone should be blamed. Sona should be blamed for her impatience, stability, and firmness. Nishat for trusting me, being lovable and sometimes romance does help. And me for my rude behaviour.

But all what has happened, it would bring something good. Everything happens for a reason.

09^TH July, 2013

The next morning, I woke up from Sona’s call and I decided to ignore. She called again on my landline and I have to pick it up.

I: yeah?
She: How are you?
I: all good. Say?
She: I am sorry for yesterday.
I: it’s okay. It’s in your habit now.
She: I am sorry. Actually, Mohit didn’t pick up my call. So...

And she continued but today, I didn’t listen any of it. I was furious. I was irritated.

She: So, meet me today?
I: sure. I will tell you. But why you messaged Nishat? Is this was so important?
She: you blocked me on WhatsApp. So I just asked Nishat to take care of. He even called and I thought it’s my friend, he is really nice. That’s it.
I: okay.
She: just tell me at what time you will be free?
I: hmm..
She: Bye

And I banged the phone. And same it was I cried again. And this time it was Nishat. I knew for him friends are his first priorities and I even manage between them but what was yesterday?

Here I am losing interest in my life which I think sounded somewhat like a joke to him and when Sona stated about a fight, so he called her. To do what? Calm her? And here, I was waiting from about five days for his call. Just to talk to him for two minutes. Nishat can even call me to know what the matter is and No, he called her up. And did he have any idea about my condition? If even I am rude for some reason that means my condition is not good and I would have a reason for that. Why doesn’t he understand what I feel?

These things made me weak and even drive off my interest in a relationship. I do so much for him what all I can. But in return I need something, anything? Which make me feel that I am totally yours? But in this I am the one who is trying and just because of me this relation has gone this far.

I remember waiting every night till four for his call. I remember waiting at the end of a road for about three hours just to clear a misunderstanding. I remember when he doubted on my dignity but still I was passive. And I know anybody can do this all. But what about my emotions and feelings? What all I try to grab his attention every time and every night. What all I do in treating him with so much patience and serenity. What all I do to take care of him and everything?

But all this have gone waste. Now I have been losing hope in all what I tried, in all what I wanted to express, in all what I dreamt of. And everything I can’t explain either. It’s not that I didn’t love him but now it’s been a limit and I am lost here. And even hurt deeply. An exact reason is unknown but hundreds are there today I front of me eating me from every side.

Now the bridge has been broken and I am lost.